If you′re looking for painfully contrived hypothetical situations, go somewhere else. All of these puns are utterences that I had the presence of mind to vocalize during an event that actually took place in my life.

Move the cursor over the navy box at the end of each paragraph in order to make the pun appear.

One of my friends is a police officer. One day I asked him if anyone had ever tried to attack him, and he said that one time a crazed drunkard took a few swings at his police cruiser with an axe. I wanted to know: Did you submit an axe dent report?

My supervisor had just returned from a meeting with the various regional managers. He told me that the meeting had consisted primarily of everyone making all sorts of noise about not getting a fair proportion of the operating budget. I intoned: The din of inequity.

We were discussing space aliens at coffee break, and the subject of conversation ended up on their clothes. I remarked that they seem to always wear simple one-piece jumpsuits. One of my colleagues suggested that perhaps the only thing they′re here for is to find apparel a bit more sporty. I speculated they might say: Take me to your lederhosen.

When my job was cut, I was lucky enough to find employment with a different group. I wanted to make sure that I would not lose any credits for vacation or sick leave not yet taken. I explained to my supervisor: I′m taking census of my leave.

I was in the office of a colleague discussing the software licensing arrangement we had for a graphics display station. The hardware vendor had given us an unlimited free licence to the code, but only in relocateable format. I further explained: Object is no money.

One of my friends at work was describing a recent vacation she had taken to Greece. She was describing the practice at a small fishing village of collecting a particular variety of snail shell that was used to create the dye that the local people used to colour their clothing. She asked if any of us knew what it was called. When nobody replied, I said that I had never heard tell of such a thing. I went on to say: I think it′s a pigment of your imagination.

I was watching a Formula 1 race on TV with one of my friends, and I remarked that there seemed to be a lot of sparks coming from under the cars as they rounded a particular turn on the course. He said that the bodies were made with cowling skirts that go all the way to the ground, in order to reduce air drag. He added that they were usually made from titanium, which is very strong. The conversation turned to the very expensive price of this metal, and he postulated that it would be worthwhile for someone to vacuum the race track for it′s residue after a race. I told him that it wouldn′t work, because of titanium′s high reactivity with oxygen, the sparks being visible proof. He knew that titanium is never found in a reduced state in nature, so he asked "Why not?" I replied: All your attempts would be rutile.